My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
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Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
tell em, edith-anne
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
We like the way Dwight thinks
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.