My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
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I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
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