My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
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Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King