My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
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I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down