My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
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My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.