my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
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Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
opening twitter today
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.