My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
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Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”