My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
You Might Also Like
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
If the person driving right in front of me comes to a complete stop at a stop sign, I’m like “that was enough for the both of us.”
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.