My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
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Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
I created you as mosquito food.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!