My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
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Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.