My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
You Might Also Like
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Many hands make light work
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.