My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?
Me: You sell spaghetti.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
the three branches of government
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
“do you like string?”
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.