My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
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“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”