My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
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[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.