My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
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*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
this is literally a CIA plant
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”