My birth announcement for our third baby
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Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
B
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree