my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
🍛
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.