my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
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“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.