My birthstone is a sushi roll.
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The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?