My birthstone is pecan pie.
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me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
When he asks for feet pics
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
definitely did not do anything wrong
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.