My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
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“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
🙂🐾
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread