My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
oh shit
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once