My blood type is coffee.
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if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.