My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
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Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
Dead sexy!!
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from