my body is a machine that turns traumatic experiences into 10 likes on twitter
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God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
The USS B port
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
saving face 👀
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.