My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
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Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me