My body is a temple
for potatoes.
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[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Note to self: I am a note
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.