My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
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wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
After 35, your body ages in dog years
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
no!! no!!!!!!
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?