My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
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I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat