My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
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[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
Sheep
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I was downtown today on the sidewalk screaming at a plastic bag I thought was a ghost and then I saw you see me and then you crossed the street and now I need to tell you in person I know it wasn’t a ghost so when you hear tapping at your backdoor tonight just come out please.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.