My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
You Might Also Like
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.