my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
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Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*aggressively waits in line*
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
pizza
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you