My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
put ‘er there pardner!
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Best spoiler warning ever
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
“i miss shittin on people”
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
every single time
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back