My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
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“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap