My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
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I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
uncle dave has been through hell
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
S/o to @funTweeters .
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.