I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3