Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless

Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore