@SvnSxty

My Body: we’re hungover

Me: but I didn’t drink anything

My Body: I don’t make the rules

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@_Tempo11

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

@UncleDuke1969

“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”

@ScottPopescu

Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.

@omically

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

@weinerdog4life

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[dog wedding]

[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]

[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]

[Bride throws bouquet again]

[Groom catches..

@MisterABK

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

@meganamram

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

@HoneyWooWoo

“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”

@SaraESpivey

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3