my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
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POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.