My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
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3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase