My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
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“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
S O O N
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult