My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
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I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
where’s Godzilla when we need him
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
79.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁