My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
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GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Telling someone to “calm down” usually just makes them more angry. Instead just start blastin rainforest sounds from your boombox
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball: