My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
You Might Also Like
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
⛄️
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass