My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
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I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
They also CAN sing✌️
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress