My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
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Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
What
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.