My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
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The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
Cheer up.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine