My boss called in sick of me
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I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.