My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
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[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.