My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
A bold strategy
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.