My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
You Might Also Like
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow