My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Otters see a butterfly.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
That’s it.I’m out.
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.