My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
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It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.