My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
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Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team