My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless